Last week I was scrambling to stay on top of my to-do list for work and home life, and it hit me. I have not done a vision board for 2020. For years I have prayed and brainstormed and put one together while I listed out my goals and plans for the new year. But not this time.
Now, I do firmly believe that if we don’t have a vision to act as our compass in our day to day lives, we will stall out, waste precious time, or crash in the ditch. So what gives?
Partly because….not much as changed, though everything has changed. Those words over the years–Bloom, Fearless, Identity, Growth–are still very much a part of my journey. And partly because I am still in limbo.
A few years ago I experienced a shattering. Life clashed with strongly held beliefs, beliefs that had been foundational to who I thought I was or should be. I alluded to it in my blog post, Plot Twist. I am no longer in such a dark place, although, a shadow remains, and I continually look over my shoulder wondering when another shattering will strike again. I don’t know how to explain my journey, but it’s left me raw and uncertain, walking in limbo with sooooo many questions.
People ask me how I’m doing, where I’m going, and I’ve struggled to respond.
Yet I have peace.
- I KNOW something is happening, stuff being worked out in me right now.
- I know I am writing right now, making huge strides on this story, which I am so excited about and can’t wait to share it with you.
- I know that I am designing graphics and covers as the opportunities present themselves.
- I know that I am a mom of a 9 and 11 year old, which grows me more than anything!
- I know that I am married to an amazing, hardworking man from Zambia and we are growing and learning together.
- I know that I am connecting and making friends here in San Antonio, which still amazes me.
- I know that I should be taking better care of myself. Ha!
- I know that I am learning and growing, slowly uncovering the dirt that had buried me. (You can read more about that in my Buried Alive post)
Of course, it could all change tomorrow.
So each day, l keep walking in what I do know and letting go of all the questions demanding answers. I really want to plan everything, do what all the gurus say to do, list my goals out, create my vision board, and pick a new WORD for the year, but not this time. There is still a lot of growing and healing and living happening. I think the answers will come when the time is right.
I’m being expectant, being open to what could happen and releasing my expectations of how I think it should happen. As Allen Arnold pointed out in his book, The Story of With. “Life is not meant to be something we control, but something we experience.”
Chasing our dreams…doesn’t always look the way we think it should. Or the way the experts tell us. I mean, how can it? We are unique individuals with varying talents that come with our own baggage we must overcome and experiences that influence who we are and our choices and what we create. This journey, this growing, these experiences molds us into the person we need to be to achieve those dreams, and sometimes, the journey changes our dreams. Or perhaps…matures them. The most important thing is to never give up. Keep on keeping on!
Where are you on your journey? Does this resonate with you? Or do you have a different experience? Please share in the comments. I LOVE to hear from you!